I'm awake and cognitive before I need to be on this Tuesday morning. Why? Because all this Michael Jackson shit is driving me bananas.

I was one of the 1.6 million people who signed up for the lottery to get a pair of tickets to this morning's memorial service, because frankly, I thought I could sell them off and make a few bucks. I however, wasn't one of the chosen ones, but my boyfriend was! While we made some effort to sell them, it looked like it wasn't going to happen. We were chastised for not being "true fans," (whatever that means?) and told we were trying to profit off death, which is true, but who isn't right now? Some people have very limited views on how people make money if they don't think this entire circus of events isn't a way to bring in revenue in this bankrupt city.

But I digress.

The real issue I have here is with the "true fans" they call themselves. Those fanatical idolaters, who weep and cradle their faces over the death of the guy who once sponsored Pepsi. In my humble opinion, there's a huge difference between nostalgia for the music and the time when Michael Jackson had truly earned the title of King of Pop, and what his life had sadly mutated into. There's no question that he led a truly depressing life. He had been robbed of his childhood, and manipulated by those who surrounded him. When it comes to the allegations of child molestation, it's pretty easy to see that he was a man who did love children, but from what I've learned about pedophiles* is that they aren't always aware that molesting children is hurting them. In fact, most people in that mindset consider that kind of contact as an extension of their love. Who knows though, right? Only a privileged few know for sure if people were trying to take advantage of his wealth or if he indeed engaged in deplorable acts.

But, I heard a woman a few moments ago on one of those "24 hour news shows" that have little to say about any real news (whole 'nother rant entirely) talk about what Michael Jackson meant to her as she was standing in front of a reporter at the packed Staples Center. She didn't reminisce about how she would dance to Billie Jean and repeat the same spin/crotch grab move until she got dizzy, she cried as she tried to explain that he taught her about being kind to people regardless of race, or age and that he helped so many, and did so much. Was he Jesus? Apparently people are more influenced by entertainers than the teachings of religious leaders these days. I just hope he doesn't rise from the dead. Although it could make for a profitable Thriller sequel video...

I will be keeping my distance today as my boyfriend fares the downtown madness clad in red jackets and aviators. Will it be an experience he'll always remember? Absolutely.

I just hate crowds... and wouldn't be able to handle the mental imagery of how the human race came from striving for enlightenment to gorging ourselves on capitalism, consumerism, and celebrity... Of which by writing this on facebook, recognize my own narcissism and gorging qualities.

Fuck.



*I took a course in sexual dysfunctions, I'm not just a hobbyist pedophile watcher.

I've decided to take my sweet time getting my BA. In theory I should have graduated by now, but honestly, I don't care about the imaginary time frame we all feel like we have ticking away in us. I'm in Los Angeles, doing things that make me happy and learning about life in my own way. I was considering putting my life on hold just so I could finish up school in a year, but I just don't care to do that anymore. School isn't going to cost me a dime, so I've decided I'm going to continue taking a mediocre course load, and continue auditioning and next summer I'm going to try to go to India or South America to do some volunteer work for a month and spend another month touring that part of the world. And then the summer of 2010, I'm going to try and make it to South Africa for the World Cup and then tour Africa a bit. Sound good to you?

I'm going to try to hit every continent (including Antarctica) by the time I'm 30. I think that's a good goal to set.

When all is said and done, I think I'll be really satisfied with my life as a whole. Sure, things have been shitty recently. I've made some bad decisions and I've had to deal with them on my own, but one thing I have learned to do and I like about myself is that (kinda repeating what I was saying in my last post) I'm totally 100% myself - even if I can be a completely different person from day to day. Ok, some people would call this being tempermental. Maybe that's not a great quality, but I am what I am and I don't  am learning not to pretend to be someone who I don't respect and is not fully me.

Maybe this is all bullshit actually.

God, life is stupid sometimes.

I'm excited to go back home in a couple weeks. The one thing Sugar Land is good for is feeling totally comfortable. I haven't grasped that full uninhibited side of myself here in LA just yet. I'm close! I mean, I'm really close to feeling good about myself out here, like I've been saying, but when I go home for just a couple days, it's a good reminder that my life isn't always an orb of anxiety. God, I just want to spend a night getting trashed with my best friends and end up smoking a joint at the park across the street and come home to my big tv and watch some soft core porn. Maybe afterwards we'll hit up Waffle House. Really, is that too much to ask for?